Rather than wallow in self-pity, I feel that if I share my feelings and the inevitable challenges that one faces through a "downsize", it will be therapeutic for me, and perhaps even helpful to others going through a similar experience.
Today came more bad news. My ex-mom-in-law, with whom we have remained close (new hubby and all), is dying of liver cancer. She is terminal. They opened her up on Friday and closed her back up again with a “one year” prognosis. The hubby (whose 40th birthday is tomorrow...) and I have the daunting task of telling my 15 year old daughter that she will lose yet another grandparent very soon. She has lost 3 great-grandparents in the last year. Granted, these folks were older and had lived full lives. It still hurt her terribly; these first tastes of death of people so close to her. She was old enough to have had the time to forge close relationships with them all. This grandmother is barely 60, if she is even 60. And this hits very close to home in that this grandmother is the only one of hers that lives in town. It’s just not fair and there are no words that can express the depth of pain that I feel for the family. They were my family for the 13-years of marriage to their son, and they have remained family since my life has gone on. I am the mother of their oldest grandchild. They all but adopted my second husband as their own son. They have little to no contact with their own son, my ex-husband (none of us do, including my daughter), and we are family to them. We do Sunday dinners together. We celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and Mother's and Father's Days together. And now we will be together to see them through this difficult time.
Ok, enough denial. Today I am off to visit the local Unemployment Office to apply for my Employment Insurance benefits. It came to my attention yesterday, from a fellow Layoffee (I think I just coined a word…) that the local EI office is quite up on the situation with the present layoffs from the former company. Apparently they are well aware of the issue that we haven’t received severance/vacation pay and don’t know if we will receive it, but it will not hinder us from filling out the necessary forms. So today I go to the office and admit to myself that I am no longer employed.
I went to my dentist appointment yesterday and had to go through the whole story yet again, as my company benefits will expire at month’s end. I found myself jumping to justify that I was one of almost 30 to be laid off. That the company had taken a turn for the worse. That it wasn’t my fault. As I articulated the words, I realized I was uttering them for me, to remind myself that it wasn’t about my performance. It wasn’t about the performance of any one of us. It was all about someone else putting too many eggs in one basket.
I was flipping channels briefly yesterday on the television and happened upon an interesting scene. It was a psychiatrist speaking with an obviously distressed and withdrawn patient. She told her patient that she recognized her withdrawing into a protective shell to try and shut out all of her feelings. She then reminded the patient that shutting things in also means that nothing gets out. So true. I am battling that same battle right now.
This coming out of denial brings with it so much anger. A number of years ago, I went through a catharsis, thanks to some caring friends. One in particular helped me see that the anger that had built up inside of me for so many years was so unproductive and was leading me down a path of potential danger. I was on a downward spiral that only I had the power to pull myself out of. And I did. I took a proactive stance and overcame the anger and the frustration. I turned my life all the way around. Now, as I battle all of the emotions that accompany a Downsize, I find that anger rearing its ugly head yet again. It is threatening to overtake me and quite frankly, I am finding it to be the most difficult challenge of all.
I am angry with the former company’s owners for putting us all in this position. I am angry that their lack of business acumen has jeopardized the well being of so many people who gave so much to them. I am angry that we were so close to seeing such success and it suddenly went up in smoke. I am angry that I gave my all and have received nothing in return but this experience. I am angry that, because of the owners of the company, I have to field the “How are you doing?” emails and phone calls. Not that I do not appreciate them… believe me, I SO DO APPRECIATE THEM! But I am angry that I am not working and therefore not happy and content. I am just angry. I know it’s ok to feel angry. I know it’s one of the many emotions that accompany any trauma resulting in grief. I know all that. And yet, I am still angry. And I am trying to find a way to deal with it. I do not want it to consume my essence again.
Why is it that one is a "commodity" when one is working, and then suddenly is not when the job goes away? Does a career so define all that we are to the point that nothing else that makes us who we are counts anymore? Sometimes it feels like that. Take the radio gig for example. My job circumstances have changed, and suddenly I am left feeling like I have nothing worthwhile to contribute. Does the fact that I don’t work in a particular industry anymore mean I know less than I did last week about the things I spoke about? Does the experience of a Downsize not have “mass appeal” at a period of time when so many people are going through this experience? Again, forgive this moment of dwelling on self-pity. I am told it’s allowed. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t. Not one little bit.
Yet another PD day. I got IM’ed (instant messaged) last evening by a former colleague who was not one of last week’s layoffs. He told me he was VPN-ing into work. I think it was a minor complaint about the fact that it was after 9:00 PM and he was still working. Again, his words, innocent though they were, stung. I reminded him that at least he has a work to VPN into. He is a good guy, but often does not think before he speaks about the impact his words might have on others. Or is it that I am hyper-sensitive right now?
We have been fortunate in the last week to have seen glorious summer-like weather. Today is supposed to be another beautiful, sunny and warm day. I took advantage of the summery conditions yesterday by spending time outside with a Grisham book. I shared the yard with two blue jays, a black squirrel and a baby chipmunk. At first they ran for the hills when they saw me coming. Once they realized that I was sitting still and no threat, they returned and strolled the yard in search of birdseed to nibble on and a dip in the birdbath. It was calming. Funny how nature plays such a definitive role in one’s mood. Thank heavens for sunshine when one’s mood can so easily lapse into gloom and doom.
I spent 6 weeks at home last summer recovering from major surgery. It was maddening to have so much time on my hands, and a mind that was sharp, but the physical inability to do anything. I longed to be able to go back to work. I missed the people and the stimulation of the workplace. I begged to be allowed to do some work from home, but was continually reminded by a concerned boss that I needed to take time to recover. My first thought when the layoffs happened last week was “Thank goodness this time I have my health and can remain active.” There are numerous house projects that are screaming for attention, but I cannot yet seem to get motivated. I keep looking outside at the beckoning sunshine, and am drawn to it. I know I need the “downtime” to relax and recover from the stress and shock of last week. As a friend wrote this morning “you have earned 'peace' Give yourself a break... motivation has to go away because you have to mourn and heal.” But how long a break is too long a break?
I am back, after a 2-hour “fast track” interview with 3 people. Apparently I was short-listed and came highly recommended, and so, to the one who did the recommending…I Owe You. The job prospect is for an Instructional Design position with a reputable local high-tech company. It appears as though the position will offer an excellent opportunity to provide input at a grass roots level as the Training Team and process is being rebuilt from the ground floor up. The Director of the Team was the last person I spent time with, and she is clearly the kind of person under whose management I would work well. Both of the other folks that I had the opportunity to meet with were awesome, and I would relish the opportunity to work with an obviously team-oriented group. By my standards, the interview went very well. A decision will be made by the end of next week, which right now seems an eternity away. And there is just that niggling little self-esteem thing murmuring… “Don’t get your hopes up yet.”
No word out of the former company on the severance/vacation pay/expenses owing. I am only mildly panicking over that at this stage. I know I can pay the bills right now, but will I be able to meet the commitments that come at the end of the month? Time will tell, I suppose. Right now, I am still in the process of regrouping.
I am losing track of which day PD day it is…is that a good thing? I don’t want to continue to define my life according to how many days it’s been since The Downsize. But I am not yet ready to completely let go of all the emotions and thoughts that accompany an event like that of last week.
One can learn a great deal about oneself from an interview. Especially when one interviewer says “I don’t even want to look at your resume and qualifications. I am here to find out all about you… who you are; what you do in your spare time; what your passions are; what your friends would say if I called them tomorrow to ask about you…" Interesting questions. The only way I figure anyone can answer those sorts of questions is with an upfront and honest answer that comes from the heart. Does the interviewer read the sincerity? The questions were designed, of course, to catch someone off guard, and solicit a sincere answer, but also to ultimately determine one’s “fit” with the company. I think I “fit” quite well, to be honest, at least from the people I had the opportunity to speak with.
Funny, how I wrote yesterday about “growing balls” to live in a man's world. Today’s interviewers were all women. None of them was in the least bit intimidating. I felt a natural comfort settle in when I met the first woman, and it carried through to the last woman, the Director who interviewed me. To her, I indicated my desire to stay away from a management level position at this stage, given the political turmoil I just left. She told me that she admired my “maturity” in recognizing that and being able to make that statement. Again, it was from the heart and it is where my head really is at right now. And you know what? I stand by that statement. There are the “corporate ladder climbers” with lofty ambitions, and there are those of us who would be truly content to just do the job we were hired to do, be happy with what we produce and go home at the end of the day feeling truly satisfied. I have an enormous amount of people skills. But they are better put to use in maintaining the blessings of friendships and collegial relationships. I am not an ambitious “must-get-to-the-top-and-squish-everyone-along-the-way” kind of woman. And you know what? I sleep well at night.
Welcome to Day Six PD. I awoke at the crack of dawn today with a mission. I spent most of the day polishing up my samples of work and sifting through boxes of *stuff* brought home from my former office. As I sifted through file after file and binder after binder, I wondered about so many things. Who is picking up the pieces of what I, and so many others left behind? How is the progress on such-and-such a project? Did they ever get through the final gold release of the last major project for the so-and-so partner? Were the needs of the most-strategic-client-on-the-verge-of-signing-a-PO ever met?
Did either the CEO or CTO sleep last night?
There was an email from a former colleague. He fell down with me in the Downsize, but was called back two days later and begged to represent the company on one last trip to Singapore. While we all told him to “go for broke” in negotiating the terms of one last week, I pondered the question of whether I would have agreed to go if I was in his shoes. I don’t think so. I admire his tenacity in holding out to get all of his terms met. I respect his reasons for choosing to go. He could use the opportunity to make contacts for future job prospects. He could ease slowly out of the job instead of the “BOOM! You’re Outta Here” that the rest of us are suffering. And what the hell, it is a free trip to Singapore. But would I have gone? Nope. I have grave concerns for his demands being actualized in cold, hard cash, given the dire circumstances at the company. I hope for his sake that the last paycheque that he negotiated really does come through. And I hope he incurs no expenses that are unexpected that he might have to chase down from the financially strapped company. But all of that didn’t stop me from wishing him a super trip.
On Friday afternoon a bunch of we “layoffs” met for beers at the homestead bar across from the old office. It was good to see all the smiling faces. And they really were smiling faces. In spite of the angst of last week, my former colleagues appeared to be experiencing a true sense of relief. We needed to be together. We needed the camaraderie of sharing the experience. We needed to see each other through eyes that were no longer misted over in tears of shock. We needed to share the gossip and innuendo, the hurt, and the sense of our loyalty having been betrayed. More than many things though, we needed to see the people who were still buried in the muck and mire of what we left behind. Their long faces were sad to see. The stress of their own situation was painfully clear in their eyes. The sense of relief became that much more defined in our eyes. We will be ok, we “downsizees”. I know we will.
The Rumour Mill today shared that midnight tonight is the deadline for the present CEO and CTO to accept funding from the Venture Capitalist Company in order to stay afloat. If the funding is accepted, one or more of them will be as out on the street as those of us who experienced last week’s downsize. The Rumour Mill had it that the CEO was in a foul mood today, as he pondered his fate and that of the company he built. What goes around comes around, they say.
I must sound terribly heartless. I am not at all heartless. But I have little sympathy when I saw what I saw. I saw a company full of bright and capable individuals. I saw an abundance of amazing intuition and business savvy and solid understanding among said individuals. I saw suggestion after suggestion, so much strategy and a real grasp of the market space fly out the window of “I’m not listening”. I saw people’s self-esteem battered and shattered. I watched a toxic environment of “Let’s inspire fear in them all and make them realize they are nothing without me.” I witnessed the frustration of people who saw this very writing on the wall. And I saw a spoiled brat who let the power of the title “President” go to his head. There were so many times that I asked the question “Why hire the best if you don’t listen to them and let them do the job you hired them for?” I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t get it.
As I sift through the job sites, and see management positions that I have skill sets for, I say to the hubby: “I am not interested. I am so burnt out from the political quagmire that I left that I haven’t the energy to jump into a frying pan.” I will be happy to get a job where I can focus on the things I do best and love the most. I want to be creative and innovative and help people understand things that they do not yet see. I do not want to get involved in the inner workings of the political playspace where one can be seen walking away with the bruises of battles not won, or slipping into the quicksand of the corporate abyss.
It’s funny how things change. Just a few weeks ago a girlfriend and I were engaged in conversation about how we needed to “grow balls” in order to succeed in our respective male-dominated workspaces. How the “Big Boys Club” can be so damned exclusive. How because we wear bras our opinions are so often discounted. At the risk of sounding cliché, “I am woman, hear me roar.” I don’t want to roar anymore. I want to purr the soft purr of satisfaction in knowing I am doing the best job I can do with the skills I have to offer.
Welcome to Day Five PD. We went up north to enjoy the Muskoka’s fresh air this weekend. What a wonderful chance to escape the city and spend time with friends who are family. They know just what to say and how to cradle you in their bosom to offer comfort when life deals nasty blows. It was my native Floridian hubby’s first time seeing a lake almost completely frozen over, and it was especially impressive, given that he has been swimming in it for two summers now. And so, for me, it was like seeing something that I always took for granted in a whole new wondrous way. (Having been raised on the Canadian prairies, I have certainly seen my share of frozen bodies of water.)
As we drove back into town, it hit me. It’s Sunday, but I don’t have a job to go to tomorrow. How weird is that? And when do those little doses of reality stop hurting so much? As the teen daughter reminds me that I can do the grocery shopping and laundry with all my spare time tomorrow, I bristle. It is still so raw.
On the bright side, as I sat and composed the Friday blog entry, my phone rang. You see, with the impending sense of doom at the old place work in the last number of weeks, I had put some feelers out to friends and former colleagues a couple of weeks ago, to see if anything of interest was floating around. It seems my resume had already made it into one HR Department’s hands, and the phone call was to ask if I could make in for an interview on Tuesday! What is it they say about rolling stones gathering no moss?
I must take a moment to thank friends and family for endless mails and phone calls of support. Upon learning of the “bad movie” scenario that found me starring in a featured role, the advice and encouragement literally poured in. Some tidbits to share that I think ring so true:
“Make sure you understand that it's not because you are a bad person, or you don't have the skills. You do!”
“You have a tremendous amount to offer many companies-so be strong, and confident in all that you can do. You have overcome many personal and professional challenges in these last few years. Take that confidence with you and I know you will be successful.”
“I have every faith that you will be wildly successful again. And, likely, again. And even after that!”
“The purchase of all those books about the various things you wanted to learn are not lost, nor are they squandered money. These are just extra blades in a Swiss army
knife called Gayle, and they are very desirable and marketable...” I have never thought of myself as a Swiss Army Knife before. But the hubby carries one around in his front pocket, and I think I might like to live my life in his front pocket… ;)
“I love your ‘walk on’ attitude! Go you!”
“You are amazing Gayle. With all that life has ever dealt you, you stand up, dust off, smile at the world and announce without spoken word that you are strong with a strength that comes from years of work and confidence in your self that no matter what you will succeed...”
This is true. I have gone through a lot of challenges in the last number of years, and have come up fighting each and every time. This experience was yet another in a long list that would force me to tap an inner strength that I only discovered I had a few short years ago. Perhaps in the past, it was without a spoken word, my dear friend, but now, I am not going anywhere quietly!
To those going through this like me, for the first time… Take courage from the support of those who love you. Believe them when they encourage you and remind you, through your fog, that you are capable and strong and will make it through this challenge. To those watching me go through this for the first time (who have been there, and done that)…. Please remember the very first time you experienced a “Downsize”. Remember that it hurts. Remember that I need time to grieve and mourn. When you remind me to get back on the horse, do so gently please. The ego is a very fragile thing.
