Rather than wallow in self-pity, I feel that if I share my feelings and the inevitable challenges that one faces through a "downsize", it will be therapeutic for me, and perhaps even helpful to others going through a similar experience.
So much to say, and I don’t quite know where to start. I guess the best place is with the inbox full of email this morning, all with messages of congratulations and wishes for good luck at the new job. Thanks again for the encouraging words as well as the support for this online journal as my means of coping through the last two months of my life.
One very touching mail came from the wife of a fellow layoffee. I have only met her once, at the Former Company’s Christmas Party last year, so I can’t say I know her other than to see her. She wrote an email though, that I would love to share the tone of. She spoke as the spouse of someone who was affected in some of the same ways as I was by the recent Downsize. Although her husband, my former colleague, was a lot more easy-going and seemingly more relieved at being let go than the majority of us, his wife felt a lot of the emotional ups and downs that we layoffees went through. I know, in my own case, that my husband was equally as bitter at how badly we were treated on Downsize Day as well as after the fact by upper management of the Former Company. She expressed her heartfelt congratulations on my new opportunity and thanked me for “being able to express yourself so eloquently and for speaking for all who were going through the same turmoil.” She closed her mail with the hope that I will continue updating my log, for those who read it who don’t necessarily know me but feel “closeness nonetheless”.
Not only did I appreciate her having taken the time to write, but I am humbled by the fact that my written words had the power to reach into someone’s heart and tug a little at emotions. Being a web journal follower, I completely understand that phenomenon, as I too have found myself feeling as though I “know” someone from following a journal online. Rest assured that the “Diary of a Downsize” is an ongoing effort that will not end. The experience of having gone through a Downsize affected me profoundly, and I have had much time to think and process all of the emotional upheaval. I have many observations to make and am sifting carefully through them as I work through the rehash of the experience.
One of the observations that I will take the time to comment briefly on now (and hopefully at length at a later date), is the fact that until the Downsize, I didn’t realize how much we tend to define ourselves solely by our careers. At times, as I navigated through the valleys of the Downsize (I made different observations during the peaks), I tended to forget parenthood and the fact that I was a spouse, and all of the other accomplishments that I have achieved in my lifetime. It seemed to me, during those times, as if I no longer had a “place” in this world, given that I could no longer define myself as a “belonging” to a workplace. The irony is that when we are working, as parents, we often think about wishing we were at home with our children where we “belong”, and many of us do battle regularly with the working world vs. family juggling act. We always think we put our families first in the list of priorities until a deadline looms, or an important meeting arises. And when the job thing goes away, we are suddenly left to define ourselves by the other values and entities in our lives that we often placed on a back burner. I wonder how many deadlines it will take in my future before I forget, again, where my first priority is, or if I will always be brought back to reality by the learning experiences that the Downsize provided...
The bottom line is that, when all is said and done, the workplace provides a paycheque and benefits, in return for valuable performance. Friends and family provide ongoing love, support and comfort unconditionally, whether I am at my peak performance or not quite up to par on any given day. Right now, I have no doubt as to what my priorities are. And thanks to technology, it’s here in writing as a gentle reminder to bring me home when the next deadline looms, or the next urgent meeting is demanding my attention.
I got the call. I got the job! This morning an offer was couriered over to me, and I signed on the dotted line this afternoon. Effective Monday morning, I will be gainfully employed at a local company that has an excellent reputation around the globe. It is a large and well-enough established firm that it will not be closing anytime soon. I will be working as a Technical Writer with the Education Team, which means I still have my hands well into the curriculum development end of the spectrum, which is important to me. I am jumping out of my skin with relief and excitement, so I will have to write more at a later date…
THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading and encouraging me along the way!!!
Back from the interview. It went extremely well! The first woman I met with is the one I had met previously. She basically wanted to tell me about the role, as it was developed on her initiation. She was swamped with work and not able to do all that needed doing. When she indicated this to her Director (the one I had met on the first interview), they both thought of me, thinking I would be perfect for the role.
Today’s meeting was really a chance for the Instructional Course Designer and I to test our compatibility, as we would be working closely together. He is a delight, and I could definitely see a wonderful working relationship down the road. He wanted to get a sense of my history, in terms of having lived in so many places, especially throughout my university years. We seemed to have a lovely rapport, very comfortable and down-to-earth. When all was said and done, he said that he was very impressed with my qualifications and skills, and felt quite certain that I would fit in well with the team.
I am trying to contain my excitement. It is so difficult to do, as I received every signal today that they are ready to make me an offer. They have checked references, had me in to meet with anyone I might be working directly with on a regular basis, and given me every indication that I am the only person they are interviewing for this role. I am to hear back from the Director of the team today or tomorrow. So it’s pins and needles until that phone call or email comes in. Thanks go out to family and friends whose fingers and toes are likely numb today from keeping them crossed on my behalf!
Last evening the teenage daughter came into my room to chat. She expressed her chagrin that I may get a job, meaning I won’t be off throughout the summer to be home with her. As I expected, she was getting very used to having her Mommy be a “stay-at-home” mom. She asked again if there was no way I could be an entrepreneur and work from home. She was only half-kidding, and acknowledged that she was being totally selfish. It was all spoken in a good-natured, teasing kind of way, but I must admit it seriously tugged at the Mommy heartstrings.
I have been a working mom since she was six months old. When she was two, we moved away from the city of our births to where we are now, and I was home with her for a few summer months until I began working. Then I was a teacher, which meant I had summers off with her, and we spent most of our summers back in the city of our births, with my parents and family. For most of her young years, I taught at her school, which meant we were always together. I knew when I transitioned into this new career, that I would be spending far more time apart from her, but it was a healthy time away, and she was at an age where she needed to gain some independence from me.
For the last few years, the nature of the work I do has seen me spend many a weekend and evening working frantically to meet deadlines. There is the stress, tension and sense of exhaustion that accompanies all that work that has meant less time and energy to devote to Mommy-like things like baking cookies and being available to run carpools at the drop of a hat. In the last two months, I have had time and energy to devote and the home has benefited. Renovation work that needed doing was getting done, cookies were being baked, and rides back and forth from school and the gym were within grasp. Of course, there are still the moods that accompany the roller coaster ride of a Downsize, but she readily put up with those in exchange for the other. Now that a job is nearer in sight, she is not so certain she wants to let me go…
She understands clearly that I need to work, not only to make a living, but also for my personal sanity. And as I said, she did say “I am being selfish Mommy, but I still want you home.” She recognizes the reality, and knows that a working Mommy means fewer arguments over allowance, clothes buying and going out for dinners. She knows that we are working towards paying off loans and the mortgage, saving for further house repairs as well as her college education, which begins in only three short years from now. In spite of all of that, there is still the emotional twinge that she will be home alone while Mommy goes back to work when she is off school this summer. She was looking forward to us spending some time together. Thankfully, she is traveling a lot this summer, home to visit my family out west, and to parts east with her cousins, so she won’t be home ALL summer alone. We’ll just have to make a concerted effort to find some time together.
So here I sit, fingers and toes all still crossed hoping for good news. I really need off the Downsize Roller Coaster…
It’s another non-working Monday. But I am busy preparing for another interview tomorrow. As I mentioned, this is the first company I interviewed with after the Downsize. This time, however, it was the meeting with the Director of the team during my first interview that seems to have earned me this interview. On Friday afternoon, I received a message on my answering machine from my HR contact at the company just to give me a “heads up” that they were following up on checking in with the references listed on my resume. This is a step further than my last interview. As far as I am aware, none of my references were contacted before or after my first interview with this company.
I need this job now more than ever. Not only did I find out that I need two new tires (minimally) for my car, but the stove died yesterday. Again, when it rains, it pours. We were trying to make breakfast, and one of the front burners (they have all been acting very flaky of late) wasn’t working correctly. We took the lid off to peek inside and saw sparks flying when the coil burner was trying to make contact with its source. The hubby pried it all apart to see that the short-circuiting had actually burned a hole in one of the contact pieces. Needless to say, I promptly hustled us out the door to stove shop. The new stove, complete with flat top and self-cleaning features(yes, Mom, self-cleaning, as you recommended!), is being delivered on Wednesday morning.
It was lovely, as always, to see the fellow layoffees who showed up to lunch on Friday. Great to hear the news that one by one, people are finding employment. We ran into two former colleagues of ours who still work for the Former Company, and heard more of the same about the low morale within the walls there. I don’t envy those who remained behind. They are still quite in the dark about the state of the financing, and therefore are hoping from payday to payday that there is money for payroll. As for the financing, apparently the deal with the Venture Capital company is to be signed today or tomorrow. If it happens, it could mean that we will see our belated termination and vacation pay on Friday.
